


could've been easy

by stellaris



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M, adam is a Mess at relationships, but so is ronan and its ok (kind of), everyone just wants them to be happy tbh, light nsfwish undertones, nobody dies or kills each other AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:04:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6096882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellaris/pseuds/stellaris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hung up before Gansey could push the subject any further. He didn’t really need to be told what he already knew— Ronan had, in his own way, offered his heart to Adam. It was a gesture with such inexplicable meaning that left Adam’s head spinning, left him feeling touched and fearful all at once. He didn’t want to hurt Ronan, but he did. He didn’t mean any of the things he said at Nino’s, but he said them. </p><p>Most of all, Adam didn’t want this to be the thing that broke them— but he feared that he might have already done that, too. </p><p>or: Relationships are messy and Adam and Ronan are both trying to find even ground.</p>
            </blockquote>





	could've been easy

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to write short, angsty pynch and it turned into 8,600 words of teen boys fighting bc they don't know how to fcking communicate, failed tree climbing, ronan getting stoned and ice skating adventures. I literally have no explanation for this

He never stayed past first light.

It was expected, now— Ronan would just roll over onto his side after, facing away from Adam and the dim, green light of the digital clock on his nightstand. It would usually read somewhere between 2 and 3 A.M. and, instead of tracing his fingers along the black lines of Ronan’s tattoo, instead of wrapping his arms around Ronan’s chest and sinking his face into his neck, Adam would just sit up, tug on his discarded clothes spread around haphazardly on the cold floor, pocket his keys and leave. 

The first time he did it, Ronan had only fixed him with a cold, strange look the next day in Latin, and froze him out with hardened silence for a few days after. That was fine, Adam thought; he probably deserved it, too. 

But when a few days stretched into a week, Adam could feel his guilt slowly dissolve into thinly-veiled anger. It wasn’t only the silence that irritated him— Ronan was actively avoiding him every chance he got, even deliberately skipping out on Glendower meetings and Cabeswater explorations with everyone. After the weekend passed, he didn’t even bother coming to school at all. 

Adam could feel Gansey’s eyes burning holes into his sweater, flicking between him and the empty seat directly diagonal to his own. He ignored it, silently grinding his teeth and pressing his pencil down on his notebook with more force than necessary. How old was Ronan, really? He didn’t think his stubbornness could hold out this long, but apparently he’d been very, very wrong.

“Adam,” Gansey softly called from behind. 

Adam just shook his head. He wouldn’t talk about this with Gansey. He already knew how it would end— frustration spilling out in hissing voices, and one party likely storming out of the classroom as soon as the bell rung. 

He would not fight with Gansey. He refused. 

He heard Gansey sigh. “Don’t let this linger,” he whispered, and dropped the subject.

x

Somehow, Gansey had managed to rope both Ronan and Adam into meeting him at Nino’s the next day without letting on that the other would be present. 

Ronan had walked in, took one look at Adam, and attempted to turn on his heel to leave, but Gansey shoved a hand against his chest to stop him. Adam watched as they argued heatedly under their breath, trying to appear disinterested as he idly swirled the ice cubes in his water with a straw. He could make out a few colorful curses dropping from Ronan’s mouth, and when he tried to step around Gansey again, thought he’d surprisingly won— but then Blue hurriedly stepped around the counter to barricade the door, glaring up at Ronan with puffed cheeks. If this were any other day, Adam would’ve laughed— the sight of one tiny Blue Sargent staring down one taller, simmering Ronan Lynch was so uncanny it was comical. 

But it wasn’t. Ronan audibly growled and stomped over to where Adam sat, dropping himself in the furthest seat possible. He directed his glare out the window and brought his wrist to his mouth, gnawing furiously on his leather bands. Adam rolled his eyes. 

“Okay,” Gansey said, taking the seat next to Ronan, “We’re going to sit here and have an amicable conversation for a minimum of one hour. Can we manage that?”

Ronan remained silent. Adam shrugged.

“Babies,” Blue muttered under her breath, and set a glass of iced tea roughly in front of Ronan. She gave Adam a pointed look before walking back to the counter where the phone was ringing.

Adam pursed his lips. He wished Noah would manifest unannounced, like he always did, but their resident non-corporeal friend was conveniently absent at the moment. 

Gansey looked between the two of them, his brow furrowing. “Anything new?” he offered.

Ronan dropped his wristbands from his mouth and crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes. Adam took a long sip of his water.

“Seriously?” Gansey huffed. “Nothing?”

“We see each other every day,” Adam finally spoke up. He saw Ronan’s mouth quirk downwards. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Jesus Christ,” Gansey muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What about your physics exam? How’d that go?”

 _School talk?_ He really must be desperate. “It went fine,” Adam said. “We’ll see, I guess.”

“I’m sure you got the highest grade.” Gansey flashed him a confident smile. “You always do.”

Adam hummed, drumming his fingers against the table. “Maybe. I suppose that’s only because _I_ actually make it to class.”

Ronan opened one eye to glower at Adam. Gansey frowned.

“Adam, that’s—“

“No,” Adam interrupted, cutting Gansey off, “Don’t coddle him. You did that before, and where did that leave him? Oh, yeah— almost getting expelled!”

“Adam—“

“And why was that, again?” Adam tapped his chin in faux thought. Ronan’s eyes were wide open now, and he slowly sat up in his chair. “Oh, I remember now. It was because he was too goddamn _stubborn_ and _unreasonable_ that—“

“I’d stop if I were you, Parrish,” Ronan seethed, leaning his forearms on the table. Gansey looked behind him towards Blue, who stopped doodling on her arm to listen in. Adam heard her chair screech against the tiled floor, but he didn’t pay her any mind— his eyes focused on Ronan, narrowing as he leaned closer. 

“Or what, Ronan?” Adam shot back hotly. He couldn’t stop. “What are you gonna do? Leave? Go ahead.”

“No,” Ronan hissed. “That’s _your_ specialty.”

“Okay!” Gansey clapped his hands together and quickly stood up. Blue came up beside him. “That lasted for about five minutes, but that’s good enough for me. We should get going. Don’t you agree, Jane?”

Blue frowned. “I—“

“I had work,” Adam said, interrupting Blue. He knew this was wrong, and he knew he was being just as much of an asshole as Ronan was, but he was too fed up to care. He wasn’t really lying, per say— Adam did indeed have work the next morning, but his shift wasn’t slated to start until midday. He could’ve stayed. Should’ve, probably.

Ronan raised a dark brow sharply, his mouth curling. “Work? That’s all you’ve fucking got?”

Adam fought to keep his patience in check. “It’s the truth.”

“Right,” Ronan sneered. He pulled so hard on one of his wristbands that it snapped, falling uselessly onto the table. “And you waited a week to tell me this? Nice, Parrish. Real fucking nice.”

“You avoided me all week,” Adam reminded him, his voice starting to rise.

“Guys—“ Gansey tried, but they couldn’t even hear him.

“Because you fucking _walked out on me!_ ”

“I had _work!_ ”

Ronan barked a vicious laugh. “Just stop with that shitty excuse. Nobody’s shift starts at 3 o’clock in the morning.”

Adam inhaled deeply through his nose. “Ronan—“

“No,” Ronan interrupted, standing so abruptly that his chair tipped and clattered loudly to the ground. “If you don’t want this, just fucking say so. We’ll forget it ever happened, okay? Move on. But don’t you fucking sit there and lie to me, Adam.”

Adam hurriedly searched his brain for something to say, but he came up empty. Truthfully, he didn’t really know why he left that night himself. It wasn’t really a lack of desire— Adam knew he possessed that in spades, and had shown it to Ronan in the form of dragging lips and roaming hands in the dark. All he knew was that he’d felt like an invisible weight was pressing down against his chest, stealing all the air from his lungs and suffocating him, and he needed to get out just to breathe.

Adam didn’t know what to say, so he just offered a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Ronan bristled. He swiped his jacket off the table and threw it on as aggressively as he could. “Great,” he spat. “Consider it forgotten, then.”

He kicked the fallen chair as he passed Gansey and Blue, and stormed out into the parking lot. The sound of a car door slamming followed soon after, and Gansey winced.

Blue looked down at Adam, her dark brows furrowed and mouth hanging open in a small ‘o’. “What the fuck was that?” she demanded.

Adam stood and pulled his keys out of his pocket. “Nothing,” he said stiffly, and strode out the door.

x

The following night, Adam stumbled into his shitty apartment above St. Agnes, completely exhausted from pulling another double-shift at the garage. He kicked off his shoes and shrugged out of his coveralls, and collapsed onto his bed. He was vaguely aware that he still had swatches of grease on various areas of his skin, and that he reeked of oil and sweat, but he was too tired to care. He could deal with that in the morning. 

He was just drifting on the edge of sleep when he heard a loud bang echo downstairs. Frowning, he strained his neck to look at the small clock on his makeshift nightstand: 2 A.M. Nobody should be down in the church at this hour, but he had a pretty good idea about who might be. 

Sighing, Adam rolled off his bed and swapped his dirty t-shirt for a clean one, pulled his sneakers back on and headed downstairs. After stepping off the first flight, a soft _kerah_ reverberated through the hollow building. It was unmistakably the sound of Chainsaw’s affectionate cry for Ronan.

Adam braced himself for a potentially disastrous scene and pushed open the church doors. At first glance, he didn’t see anything— but at the sound of his entry, Chainsaw popped up from behind one of the back pews, cawing pleasantly when she caught sight of him. 

He walked cautiously down the aisle, his nose catching a rather acidic sort of scent as he got closer to where Ronan assumedly was. Frowning, Adam realized that it wasn’t remotely close to the distinct smell of alcohol; he was intimately familiar with that, more so than he ever wished to be. He couldn’t quite place this one, and when he finally came up beside the pew Ronan was currently sprawled on, it became so strong that it stung his eyes. 

“Parrish,” Ronan greeted, his blue eyes wide and bloodshot as he blinked up at him. His lips spread in a lax grin. “You fucker. I’m pissed at you.”

“Are you… _high?_ ” Adam asked, his eyebrows shooting up. Ronan had always made it clear that he much preferred liquid substances to fuel his bad habits, not solid ones.

Ronan snorted. “Maybe,” he drawled. 

“I thought you didn’t smoke.”

“Well,” Ronan waved his hand in the space above his head. “There’s a first time for everything, right?” He dug a hand into his jacket pocket and produced a small bag of weed that was almost empty. “Want some?”

Adam scrunched his nose. “No.”

Ronan laughed and tried to put it back in his pocket, but he missed the opening and dropped it on his hip instead. Chainsaw fluttered down on the pew next to him and picked at it. “Your loss.”

Adam quickly swiped up the bag and stuffed it in his pocket, ignoring Chainsaw’s indignant cries. The last thing he needed was a raven accidentally consuming marijuana— although he wasn’t really sure if it mattered. “What are you doing here?”

Ronan shrugged. “What reason does anyone have to be here?”

“Normally, to attend a service un-inebriated,” Adam deadpanned, rubbing his forehead. 

Ronan let out a sharp laugh. He pointed a finger at Adam. “That’s true,” he slurred. His grin quickly melted into a frown. “Wait. Don’t make me laugh. I’m supposed to be real fuckin’ mad at you.”

Adam, despite himself, cracked a tired smile. “I’ll do what I want, Lynch.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ronan muttered, draping an arm over his eyes. “I know you will.”

Adam’s smile faltered. It was strange— standing here, just talking with Ronan despite his state of being, he felt all his anger and frustration that built over the week slowly dissipate. A sense of emptiness replaced it. He suddenly felt incredibly stupid for the scene he caused yesterday. What the hell was wrong with him? He’d allowed his messy feelings to muddle his thinking and in the process, he hurt Ronan in ways he never even really considered. He was so focused on himself that he forgot to look outside, _again_ , and lost sight of what actually mattered: Ronan. It was always Ronan. 

He was a fool.

 _Unknowable?_ Adam blinked and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. _No. I am only terrible._

Suddenly, Ronan’s phone began to buzz where it rested on the wooden pew, startling both of them. Ronan glanced down at the glowing screen and groaned, shoving it to the ground. Rolling his eyes, Adam leaned down and picked it up; Gansey’s name flashed back at him.

Adam cleared his throat and turned away from Ronan, rubbing at his eyes a final time before pressing the phone to his good ear. He silently prayed to whatever God that inhabited this space that Ronan hadn’t seen. “Hello?”

“Ronan?” Gansey blurted. He sounded incredibly nervous. “Where the hell are you?”

“It’s Adam.”

“Adam? Oh— then—“

“He’s with me at the church,” Adam said, glancing back to where Ronan lay. He was poking Chainsaw’s beak, which she didn’t seem too thrilled about, as she was trying to nip his fingers back. “He’s okay. Just… impaired.”

He heard Gansey sigh in relief. “Oh, good.” A pause. “That’s good, right?”

Adam made a noncommittal noise. “For now.”

“I can come pick him up. It’s no trouble, if you…”

He heard rustling on the other end. “No, that’s alright.”

The rustling stopped. “You’re sure?”

“Yes,” Adam insisted. “I am.”

“Okay,” Gansey relented. He paused again. “Take care of him, will you?”

He wasn’t just talking about making sure Ronan made it through the night safely, Adam knew. He sighed. “I’ll try. Night, Gansey.”

He hung up before Gansey could push the subject any further. He didn’t really need to be told what he already knew— Ronan had, in his own way, offered his heart to Adam. It was a gesture with such inexplicable meaning that left Adam’s head spinning, left him feeling touched and fearful all at once. He didn’t want to hurt Ronan, but he did. He didn’t mean any of the things he said at Nino’s, but he said them. 

Most of all, Adam didn’t want this to be the thing that broke them— but he feared that he might have already done that, too. 

 _Why,_ he wondered, _do I damage everything around me?_

“What did mother dearest want?” Ronan mumbled, his low voice cutting through Adam’s thoughts. 

Adam shook his head and blinked back down at Ronan. “To make sure I tucked you in.”

Ronan snorted and hoisted himself up. “I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself, thank you very fucking much.” He dug into his back pocket and pulled out his keys.

“Hold on,” Adam said, reaching a hand out instinctively. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Home?” Ronan replied, raising a brow. He looked up at Adam curiously, as if he genuinely couldn’t understand why Adam had asked such an obvious question. 

Adam resisted the urge to sigh and held out his hand expectantly. He was too tired for this. “Hand them over.”

Ronan held them back. “No way. I’m _fine,_ Parrish. See?” He made an attempt to stand, but he leaned too much of his weight onto his left foot and, thanks to his compromised sense of balance, nearly plummeted to the floor— but Adam latched onto his jacket and pulled him back upright, his shoulder colliding with Adam’s chest. 

Ronan turned his head, and suddenly they were only inches apart, noses brushing. Adam swallowed.

Ronan took a shaky breath and stepped away. He held a hand up. “Totally fine,” he muttered to the floor.

Adam tried to collect himself and let go of Ronan’s jacket, reaching down for his wrist instead. He held his other hand out, again. “Keys.”

Ronan wrenched his hand free. “Bite me.” 

“Come on, Ronan.”

“I’m not staying here,” Ronan said, holding his arm out for Chainsaw. She fluttered her wings and hopped up, claws digging into his sleeve. “ _We_ won’t.”

Adam gave Ronan an unimpressed look. “I’m not letting you leave. Come up.”

Ronan snorted. “Yeah, that’s what you want, isn’t it, Adam? For me to keep vying after you, and then _you_ get to leave when I get too close.”

Adam took a deep breath. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Whatever,” Ronan grumbled and tried to stumble past him, but didn’t get very far— Adam had grabbed him by the wrist and snatched his keys from his other hand simultaneously, and if Ronan wasn’t so stoned, he would’ve been impressed.

“You can sleep in the bathroom for all I care,” Adam said, tugging Ronan toward the staircase. “But you’re not leaving, so just deal with it.”

“You fucking suck, you know that?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Adam droned, rolling his eyes. He let go of Ronan once they reached the top and unlocked his door, pushing it open and letting them both in.

It was cold. Fall had readily withered away into winter, and unfortunately for Adam, that meant the only defense he had against the frigid air was a closed window and his comforter. St. Agnes only had enough funding to heat the main church, after all. He saw Ronan shiver out of the corner of his eyes and frowned— he hadn’t thought this through, clearly.

Chainsaw, unbothered by the cold, hopped off Ronan’s arm and onto Adam’s homework laying on his desk, settling herself on top of a few physics equations. Ronan begrudgingly moved to lay in his usual spot on Adam’s floor, in the corner just beside his bed.

“I should dream you a fucking heater,” Ronan complained, reaching for one of Adam’s pillows. He tucked it behind his head and settled in, crossing his arms to try and hide his shivering, but it didn’t work. Adam could still see it.

He sighed. “Here,” Adam said, pulling his only blanket off the bed and tossing it on top of Ronan. 

Ronan let out a muffled shout and tugged the blanket away from his face. His eyes were owlish as he watched Adam shrug on a jacket over his thin t-shirt and climb into bed.

Adam pulled a thin sheet over himself and turned towards Ronan, confusion etching into his features when he caught Ronan’s expression. “What?”

“What the hell are you doing?” Ronan asked, bewildered. He held out one end of the blanket to Adam. “Take this back. I don’t need it.”

Adam shook his head. “Just keep it. I’m fine.”

“No, Adam—“

“I’m _fine._ Go to sleep.” He pushed the blanket away and turned over, closing his eyes. He would be fine. It wasn’t like he hasn’t dealt with worse before, and if Ronan was taken care of, then that’s all that really mattered.

A few moments passed. “Got any food, Parrish?”

“ _Goodnight_ , Ronan.”

x

Adam woke up that morning feeling pleasantly warm. _Too_ warm. Warmer than he should have in just his flimsy excuse of a winter jacket and a thin bed sheet. 

He blearily opened his eyes against the harsh morning sunlight, groaning softly as he lifted a hand to shade them. Something felt… heavy, on him. Looking down, he realized what the culprit was— his blanket was back on top of him, laid neatly across the bed. 

He quickly turned over and found the space next to his bed empty, save for the pillow Ronan had used. He looked to his desk; Chainsaw was gone, too, as well as the keys to the BMW. They were gone.

Adam’s mind was slow to wake, but one thing rang through his conscious over and over: Ronan had left, and he laid Adam’s blanket back on top of him before he did.

Flopping back down on the mattress, Adam couldn’t help the stupid, small grin that stretched on his lips. It was the tiniest gesture, and if it was anyone else, it wouldn’t have meant nearly as much to him. But this was Ronan, the boy no one ever expected to do anything nice for anybody, the boy who dreamt him hand lotion and paid his rent in secret. He made like he was bred to be a fighter, but Ronan was the kindest person Adam had ever known.

“You look like a love-struck idiot,” a voice said in Adam’s right ear.

“ _Jesus!_ ” Adam shrieked, scrambling upright and almost falling over the edge of the bed. His heart pounded painfully in his ears, but he could still hear Noah cackling loudly next to him. “God, Noah! Stop doing that!”

Noah wiped under his eye. “Even ghosts need to have fun somehow.”

“Not at my expense, please,” Adam groaned.

Noah shrugged and rubbed his smudgy cheek. “I saw my chance and took it.” He considered Adam for a moment. “What were you smiling about?”

Adam felt his cheeks grow hot. “I— It’s nothing.”

“Oh?” Noah tilted his head to the side. It reminded Adam of a puppy. “Does ‘nothing’ include a shaved head and blue eyes?”

“ _Noah._ ”

“I think you should tell him.”

Adam blinked. “Tell him what?”

“That you actually like him.” He paused. “That you weren’t just using him.”

Adam heaved a ragged sigh. All at once, he felt so, so tired. “I don’t know. I don’t… know what I want.” He pulled at one of the strings hanging from his jacket. “He won’t even talk to me when he’s sober.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Noah said and looked behind him, towards the door. “Soon.”

Adam followed his line of sight and frowned. He opened his mouth to ask Noah what he meant, but when he looked back, Noah had disappeared. The only sign that he’d been there at all was a small depression in the blanket next to him. 

A few moments later, a knock sounded at his door. He disentangled himself from the blanket and stood, bracing himself to see Gansey or even Ronan waiting on the other side. But when he opened the door, he was surprised to find neither of them standing in front of him, but his landlord, Mrs. Ramirez. 

“Mail call,” she greeted, smiling. She held out a few envelopes to him. 

“Thank you, ma’am,” he said, returning the smile politely. She nodded once and waved, stepping back towards the stairs.

He closed the door and shuffled through the letters monotonously. One from the bank, another from Aglionby’s Yearbook Club, and… one with a familiar dark, navy blue ’Y’ printed in the corner of the envelope. 

Adam’s heart raced beneath his skin. 

With shaking hands, he reached for a pair of scissors on his desk, ran it under the sealed flap, and took out the folded letter inside. He took a few deep breaths, and opened it.

_Dear Adam:_

_It is with great pleasure that the Undergraduate Admissions Committee and I offer you admission to Yale University’s Class of 2020. Congratulations! We know that you will bring something original and extraordinary to the intellectual life of our campus and look forward…_

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He could only stare at the letter, his eyes scanning the words over and over again, wondering if this was just a dream that he would wake from very, very soon. Something wet dripped down on the paper— it was only a minute later that Adam realized that he was crying. 

He sunk down to the floor and hovered his hand shakily over his mouth. More tears dripped down his cheeks to his neck. He was in. He was really in.

Adam Parrish was going to Yale.

x

Gansey greeted him at the door of Monmouth, looking as stately as ever even in his pajamas. His wireframes were slightly askew as he smiled tiredly at Adam.

His smile dropped when he saw Adam’s red-rimmed eyes. “Adam, what’s wrong?”

Adam grinned and held out the letter to him. “Nothing,” he said, walking past Gansey into the apartment. “Nothing at all.”

Gansey looked back at him, puzzled, and opened up the letter. Adam watched as he read over the first few lines, a wide smile spreading on his lips when he looked back up at Adam. 

“You glorious bastard,” Gansey beamed, pulling Adam into a tight hug. “You did it.”

Adam laughed freely in Gansey’s ear, returning the hug and patting him on the back. “I did. Fuck, Gansey, I’m going to college _._ To _Yale_.”

Gansey pulled back and clapped Adam on the shoulder, grin wide and proud. “I always knew you were going places. Never once did I doubt that.”

Warmth filled Adam’s chest. “Thanks, Gansey.”

He laughed and pulled out his phone. “I’m calling Blue. God, we’re going to celebrate like never before— think about what you want to do!” He pressed the phone to his ear and flicked his eyes to Ronan’s closed door. “He’s home, now. If you want to give him the good news.”

Adam’s smile faltered, just slightly. He nodded once. “I think I will.”

Gansey gave his shoulder a final squeeze before heading for the couch. “Hello, Jane? I have fantastic news— Yes, I am aware of the time— Trust me, this is absolutely worth it. Listen…”

Gansey’s voice trailed off as Adam approached Ronan’s door, hesitating as he raised his hand to knock. He didn’t know what would be waiting for him behind it. Were they still fighting? Did Ronan remember anything from last night, or would he still refuse to talk to him? It was such uneven ground that they stood on— Adam could admit that much of it was his doing, at least.

Deciding to take his chances, Adam knocked. He could hear something rustling on the other side, but not the sound of steps. 

He knocked again. “Ronan,” he called. “Open the door. Please.”

This time, he did hear footsteps. The door flew open a moment later and Ronan stood in the frame, looking rather worse for wear in rumpled sweats with darkened circles under his eyes. For a moment, Adam was worried that his blanket didn’t provide much warmth for him after all.

“What do you want, Parrish?” Ronan grumbled, rubbing at his eye. There was a hint of stubble on his chin that Adam hadn’t noticed the night before.

“Can I come in?” he asked, looking around Ronan’s shoulder. His room looked messier than usual.

Ronan crossed his arms. “Why?”

“I need to tell you something,” Adam said. “I want to talk.”

“Really,” Ronan muttered, sarcastic.

Adam didn’t back down. “Yes.”

Ronan eyed him suspiciously for a minute longer before wordlessly retreating back into his room, settling himself back on his bed. Adam took that as an invitation to step inside, and closed the door behind him. 

Ronan placed his headphones back around his neck and looked up expectantly at Adam. “Well? Talk.”

Adam sat down beside him, close enough that their shoulders were touching. He felt Ronan stiffen. “First,” he began, “I want to apologize. For what I said at Nino’s, and… for leaving.”

Ronan only looked at him, his expression uncharacteristically neutral. It wasn’t exactly the reaction he was hoping for, but it was better than anger, Adam supposed. “I already told you— we’ll forget it ever happened.”

“But I don’t want to,” Adam said. Now, Ronan looked at him with confusion. “I… I don’t know what I’m doing, Ronan. I don’t know if I’m ready for anything else.”

“Then what do you _want_ from me, Adam?”

He didn’t know. It wasn’t as if Adam didn’t want to really get together with Ronan. It was just that Adam had spent the majority of his life alone, and now that he wasn’t, he didn’t know how to share it with someone else.

“Just this,” he said, and leaned his forehead against Ronan’s. “For now. Just you.” He bit his lip. “Is that okay?”

Ronan’s breath hitched, but he didn’t move away. “I can’t wait around for you forever, Adam.” But he would, probably. He would and he knew it and Adam knew it.

“I know,” Adam whispered. For some reason, he felt like crying again, this time for entirely different reasons. He swallowed against the lump rising in his throat. “I’m not asking for that. I just… this is all I can handle, right now.”

Ronan sighed and closed his eyes. “Fine. For now.”

Adam’s heart fluttered wildly in his chest. He leaned back from Ronan and took out the letter from his jacket, and handed it to him. “And, there’s also this.”

Ronan raised a brow at him, cautious as he unfolded the letter. He read it over quickly, his suspicion quickly dissolving into surprise and, when he looked back up at Adam, began to laugh. Loud. It struck Adam as both silly and strange— Ronan looked so much younger like this, clutching his stomach and grinning like mad, his laughter sounding more free and lively than Adam thought he was capable of.  He wondered, briefly, if he was seeing a glimpse of the Ronan he used to be, the one Gansey longed for on particularly bad days, the boy he was before his life ended where his father’s blood met the sidewalk.

Ronan calmed himself down enough to sling an arm around Adam’s neck. “Fuck, Parrish,” he grinned, “Looks like you killing yourself every goddamn day is finally paying off.”

“Looks like it,” Adam replied, mirroring Ronan’s smile with one of his own. All at once, he became acutely aware of how close Ronan was— his side pressed up entirely against Adam, left thigh against his right, his hand resting against the dip of Adam’s collarbone. His eyes dropped to Ronan’s lips, tongue flicking out to lick his own.

Ronan’s eyes flitted to the door and back. His voice was suddenly hoarse as he whispered, “Later?”

Adam could hear footsteps approaching. Gansey. “Later,” he agreed, and disentangled himself from Ronan before the door opened.

x

It was after the fifth time that Ronan finally tried to stop him. 

“Stay,” he said, softly. His fingers brushed against the small of Adam’s back as he tugged on his shirt, making him shiver.

“Ronan,” Adam sighed, turning to look back at him. The moonlight filtering through the paneled window illuminated Ronan’s face in an almost divine sort of way, his blue eyes clear and luminescent. He was beautiful, and Adam wondered again how someone like Ronan was ever interested in a boy like him. “I can’t.”

 _We can’t do this to each other,_ he wanted to say, but thought better of it. 

“At least— at least let me take you out,” Ronan said. “Once.”

Adam opened his mouth to gently refuse, but the words got caught in his throat. This was dangerous, he knew. Even doing this once could lead to another, and another, and soon they’d both be knee-deep in something that wouldn’t be able to last. Adam fisted a hand in the sheets— he knew he should say no. It was better for the both of them to just continue on like they were, and not try for anything more. The only problem was, Adam very much wanted something more. 

 _Just once_ , he thought. It would be fine. “Alright.”

Ronan’s mouth split into a grin, and Adam’s heart quivered. _Oh. Oh no—_

“Pick you up tomorrow, then. 4 o’clock.” He drew his hands away from Adam’s back. “Later, Parrish.”

Adam couldn’t think of a coherent response, so he just watched Ronan roll over, slipped on his jacket, and left with his mouth dry and cheeks alarmingly hot.

x

True to his word, Ronan pulled into the parking lot of St. Agnes at four in the afternoon the next day.

He leaned against the BMW, nonchalant, as Adam walked out. He didn’t look any different than he normally did— he wore the same ripped jeans and leather jacket, the only addition being a gray hoodie underneath for ‘warmth’. Adam wasn’t sure what Ronan’s deal was with pointedly defying appropriate dress for the weather, but he felt cold just looking at him. 

He was also incredibly nervous, and he felt a bit foolish for it. It wasn’t like spending time alone with Ronan was a rarity; they were together more often than not these days, whether or not that involved actually speaking. But the connotation that Ronan was taking him out on a _date_ made Adam’s hammer inside his chest, made his palms sweaty and the tips of his ears tinge red.

Ronan looked up from picking at his wristbands when Adam reached him. “Parrish,” he greeted, all casual. 

“Ronan,” Adam replied, trying to be just as casual. His accent slipped out at the end of Ronan’s name, though, and he silently cursed himself. 

Ronan didn’t seem to mind. He grinned and pushed off the car. “The hell are you waiting for? Get in.”

He did. They drove out of St. Agnes, past Aglionby, past downtown Henrietta and out onto the freeway. Trees faded into rolling hills, and after a few minutes, Adam realized that he recognized the route they were traveling on. 

 _The Barns?_ Adam thought, sneaking a glance at Ronan. He was staring straight ahead, hands tapping the steering wheel to the beat of whatever song he was currently blasting (thankfully, no EDM). A small amount of relief washed over Adam. The Barns was familiar territory to him by now, given how much time he’d spent there with Ronan over the last few months— he felt a bit of the pressure come off at the thought of spending the day there.

But Ronan didn’t pull into the driveway when they neared the familiar red farmhouse. He only glanced at it and continued on the road, his hands tightening on the wheel a fraction. Now, Adam was confused. Ronan’s old home was the only place he knew existed around here; if they weren’t going to the Barns, then where was he taking him?

“Relax, Parrish,” Ronan said, running a hand over his shaved head. Adam realized with a start that he’d been staring. “I’m not taking you to an empty field to murder you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I wasn’t,” Adam retorted, and turned his head to look back out the window. Smaller, modest houses passed by at an almost languid pace. The double-lane road narrowed into one, and soon, a sign that read _Singer's Falls Recreation Center_ came into view. Adam’s eyebrows nearly shot up into his hairline when Ronan pulled into the parking lot a moment later.

“What—?” Adam began to ask, staring wide-eyed at Ronan as he pulled the gearshift into park. 

Ronan smirked. “I hope you have decent coordination,” is all he said before pushing the door open and getting out. 

Adam quickly followed, brow furrowing as he looked over at the empty outdoor basketball and tennis courts, all of them covered with a thick layer of leftover snow from the storm a few nights ago. Despite it’s current abandonment, it still looked eons nicer and well-kept than the rusty excuse of a net and lopsided court lines drawn with chalk Adam had played on as a kid. A hint of jealousy licked at his conscious, but he ignored it.

He stepped inside behind Ronan and found that the inside was even nicer yet, although it had that well-worn quality that told Adam it was an older, but still appreciable building. Ronan lifted a hand in greeting as they passed the receptionist, a sweet-looking graying woman who returned the gesture with a smile. 

The telltale low rumble of multiple conversations and children’s squeals and laughter drifted past Adam’s good ear as they approached a large, blue door. He glanced up and saw a blank, black scoreboard and high glass barriers through the large window and thought, _Oh._

“Ice skating?” Adam asked, incredulous. Of all people, he would’ve never pegged Ronan as the type to like any type of skating that didn’t involve kneepads and helmets.

“My dad would take me here,” Ronan began to explain, opening the door and nudging Adam inside, “When it was too cold out for tennis. Sometimes with Matthew.” He shrugged. “It was always fun.”

Adam nodded in understanding, taking in this new information and narrowly dodged two kids flying by, tiny skates bundled to their chests. He tried to imagine Ronan here as a child, eyes alight with excitement, his smaller gloved hand in his father’s as he held on for balance. Adam tucked a smile into the collar of his jacket.

“I’ve never skated before,” he admitted. There weren’t any ponds or lakes around the trailer park that he knew of, growing up.

Ronan just grinned. “There’s no shame in being a wall-hugger, Parrish.”

The thought was enough to make him flush in embarrassment. “Says the guy who grew up with this.”

“There’s plenty of people who suck ass,” Ronan said, and pointed out towards the rink, where an older woman was scuffling along the wall, a younger girl skating backwards in front of her. “Case in point.”

Adam sighed, conceding. “If you abandon me out there, I’ll kill you.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Ronan smirked, and headed for the skate rental booth.

x

Ice skating as a beginner, Adam decided, was pretty difficult to get a grasp on. It was even more difficult when said beginner was permanently deaf in one ear and thus had a warped sense of balance even on his best days.

It was only through sheer luck, really, that Adam hadn’t fallen on his ass yet. He refused to hold onto the wall for the sake of his dignity, but he wasn’t above shuffling along _beside_ it, per say. 

Ronan, on the other hand, glided next to and around Adam with practiced ease, offering his arm whenever Adam stumbled. To his credit, though, he didn’t even attempt to poke fun at Adam once— he just hovered, watching him carefully, telling him short anecdotes of Matthew wiping out when they were younger and being generally a thousand times more awful at it than Adam was.

Admittedly, it did help him relax. “You’re such an ass,” Adam quipped, but there was no heat in it.

Ronan breathed out a small laugh. “You don’t even know how _funny_ it was, man.”

Adam opened his mouth to chastise him, but just then, a small weight collided into the back of his knees, sending him careening towards the ice. He managed to catch himself on the edge of the wall— thank god he stayed beside it— but his heart still pounded dangerously fast within his chest. Catching his breath, he looked behind him and found a small girl sprawled out on the ice where he’d previously been. Guilt instantly flooded his veins.

Ronan was kneeling beside her, his hand cradling her head. “You okay?”

Her face scrunched up like she was about to cry, but she nodded vigorously. She looked up at Adam. “I’m sorry, mister.”

“No, no,” Adam said, bending down. “It’s okay. Really.” He held a hand out to her. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

She nodded again and took it, Ronan helping by lifting her back upright under her arms. He brushed off the back of her bright green coat and skated around, leaning down and checking her face for any obvious injuries. Adam watched him, entranced.

“Make sure to watch where you’re going, okay?” Ronan murmured, voice gentle. She mumbled something back, too low for Adam to hear, gave him a small smile, and skated away.

“Wow,” Adam breathed, crossing his arms as Ronan rose back up to his full height. “Impressive, Lynch.”

Ronan scoffed and shoved his hands in his pockets. “What else was I gonna do, cuss her out?”

“Just take the compliment, Ronan.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ronan said, dismissively waving a hand. He glided ahead of Adam. “Just try to keep up, Parrish.”

Adam wasn’t sure how long they stayed for after that, but by the time they stepped outside, his feet were aching and sky had long faded to black. He hadn’t been much more successful— he managed to move out a measly four feet from the wall, but that was mainly due to the aid of Ronan’s arm for stability. He hadn’t even meant to reach out for him; he just did, and Ronan didn’t pull away. 

Back in the BMW, they drove in comfortable silence, Ronan forgoing his mind-numbing music for once. Adam leaned his temple against the window, closing his eyes and listening to the soothing hum of the engine. Ronan didn’t ask, but Adam did have fun. It was relieving, he thought, to feel like a normal eighteen year old boy for a few hours, and not like the middleman for a sentient, magical forest.

They pulled back into the lot of St. Agnes a quarter after ten. Ronan parked and killed the engine, leaning his head back on the headrest, and looked to Adam. 

His hand hesitated on the door handle. “Are you coming up?”

Ronan shrugged. “Do you want me to?”

It only seemed natural. That’s what people did after dates, right? “I don’t mind,” Adam said, and stepped out of the car. 

He heard the door shut behind him, Ronan’s footsteps following hurriedly. Adam fished for his keys, clenching his teeth as the cold wind whipped against his exposed skin. He jammed it in and twisted, sighing in relief as the heat from the first floor rolled over him. He heard Ronan let out a string of curses as he shut the door behind them, blowing on his hands. 

“Should’ve worn something warmer,” Adam remarked, starting up the stairs.

“Don’t mother me,” Ronan grumbled, following him. “That’s Gansey’s job.”

Adam didn’t reply, just let out a low chuckle. He pulled out his other key and stuck it into his lock, turning the knob and opening the door to his apartment. 

He stepped in and shrugged out of his coat, looking back at Ronan oddly when he didn’t come in. “What?”

Ronan shifted his weight between his feet. “I probably shouldn’t stay. It’s cold as shit.”

Meaning, he didn’t want Adam to sleep in his jacket again. Adam opened his mouth to argue that it was fine, that he’d manage, but ultimately decided against it. Ronan was right, and he was too tired to fight him on it, so he just said, “Okay.”

Adam half-expected Ronan to leave then, but he didn’t. He just stood there, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans, looking both pensive and somewhat impatient. Adam stepped closer and leaned his shoulder against the door jam. He knew what Ronan wanted, even though he would never bring himself to ask.

“If you’re gonna kiss me goodnight, you should probably do it soon,” Adam said, a small smile pulling at his lips. “I don’t have all night.”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Parrish,” he muttered, and leaned in.

x

On a cold, dreary winter morning, they all decided to go to Cabeswater and dream of summer. 

The forest delivered for them. Bare, icy branches flourished into full, bright green leaves as they moved deeper into the brush. The unforgiving frigid wind softened into a light, warm breeze drifting over their overcoats, seeping the chill from their skin. It was as if Cabeswater was greeting them with a smile, like an old friend. 

“Okay,” Gansey announced with a bright smile, shedding his coat and throwing it in a pile with the rest of them. “What’s on the agenda for today?”

Ronan smirked, mischief dancing in his eyes. “I say we see how far we can get up that tree,” he offered, pointing to a particularly large, tall one across the clearing.

Gansey’s expression soured. “Really?”

“Scared?” taunted Blue, crossing her arms. She raised a dark brow in challenge, baiting him.

Gansey was nonplussed. “ _Et tu_ , Jane?”

“Come on, _Dick_ ,” Ronan said, clapping a hand on Gansey’s back. His smile widened when Gansey winced. “I’ll even help you get to the first branch. Free of charge.”

Gansey let himself be led away by Ronan, but not before giving Adam and Blue one last betrayed look. They hung back, watching the pair argue over what method they would use to propel Gansey upwards with exasperated, but fond smiles.

“So,” Blue began, bumping her hip against Adam’s thigh. “Ronan.”

Adam raised a brow. He wasn’t sure if he had the energy to entertain this conversation, but he humored her anyway. “What about Ronan?”

“How’s it going with you two?” she asked.

Adam breathed out, softly, slowly. “It’s going.”

“Right,” Blue mumbled. “It’s ‘going’, alright.”

“Blue,” Adam warned. “Don’t start.”

She held up her hands defensively. “I’m just saying. I’m… worried.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be.”

“Shouldn’t I?” Blue countered, crossing her arms. “You both obviously like each other— so why aren’t you actually _dating?_ ”

Adam ran a hand over his face. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh?” she challenged. “Try me.”

He stared down at her. “We’re not like you and Gansey. We can’t— I’m not— it’s just… complicated,” he finished, shoulders sagging. “I’m _leaving_ , Blue.”

“You know, Adam, long distance relationships are a real thing. People actually do them and—“ Blue gasped, “—they actually _work out._ ”

Adam scratched lightly at the bark of a tree. “I don’t see how it would work with us.”

Blue made a small, frustrated noise. “You haven’t even tried! How would you know, if you’re too scared to even full-on date him?”

“Because I know him,” Adam sighed, watching dubiously as Ronan tried to lift Gansey up to a rather high branch. “Well enough, at least. And I know myself. He wants something that I can’t give him.”

“And what would that be?”

They both grimaced as Gansey fell unceremoniously to the ground from Ronan’s shoulders. He rolled onto his side as Ronan laughed wickedly. “Stability,” Adam replied. He shrugged and looked back at Blue. “I don’t want to stay here. Yale is my ticket out. And Ronan— he’s got Matthew, the Barns, and his mother… his entire life is here, and he wants it to stay that way.”

“And you don’t,” Blue supplied. Adam nodded.

She hummed. “I don’t know. I don’t think Evil Spawn is as inflexible as you think.”

Adam frowned. “Meaning?”

Blue cocked her head and looked over to Ronan, who was helping a now-disheveled Gansey up, and smiled up at Adam. “Well, why don’t you ask him?”

She fixed him with one last pointed look before skipping over to Ronan and Gansey, who looked like a kicked puppy. He watched her pick the leaves sticking out of Gansey’s sweater with a hint of amusement, and mulled over what she’d said. He supposed it was true— he and Ronan hadn’t exactly talked in-depth about anything regarding the future, or rather, _their_ future. Adam had just assumed that’s what Ronan wanted; he’d seen firsthand the undying love he held for his little brother and mother, the wistful longing in his eyes whenever they visited the Barns. He knew how much his old home and his family meant to Ronan. He’d always thought it was a given, that he’d stay.

But Adam never asked, never even entertained the idea of Ronan giving all that up just to be with him, wherever his life decided to take him. It all seemed incredibly selfish to him, and he would never ask that of Ronan. Never.

 _I’m leaving,_ Adam thought as Gansey waved him over, the others looking at him expectantly. 

_And where will that leave you, Ronan?_

x

On an unusually warm day, Adam and Ronan laid on his stiff mattress, sifting through the acceptance package from Yale that came in that morning. They’d sent him welcome brochures, information about housing, along with a few shirts and a baseball cap. Adam still didn’t feel like any of it was real, but the proof was laid out in front of him, ready for the taking.

“Man, they’re really thirsty for your ass,” Ronan commented, lifting one of the shirts in front of him. 

“You’re such a child,” Adam retorted, thumbing through one of the brochures. Bright, welcoming smiles plastered on stranger’s faces stared back at him. He vaguely wondered if any of them were genuine, but he knew better than that.

“You’re gonna miss it,” Ronan said airily, and dropped the shirt onto his bare stomach. He folded his hands behind his head and sighed. “This shit town’s gonna suck without you.”

“What will you do?” Adam asked tentatively. He put down the brochures on his cardboard nightstand and rolled onto his stomach, turning his head to look at Ronan.

Ronan shrugged and unfolded the blue cap, placing it on Adam’s head. His mouth quirked upwards in approval. “Dunno,” he mused, “Might just split my time between Monmouth and the Barns. Someone’s gotta make sure it all doesn’t fall to shit.”

Adam fixed the cap so it fit properly on his head. “That’s all?”

Ronan lifted a brow. “What are you trying to get at?”

“Nothing,” Adam muttered. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid, but it was happening anyway. Against his attempts to control it, Adam Parrish had fallen deeply, recklessly in love with Ronan Lynch, and it scared the absolute hell out of him. How was he supposed to leave this behind, now that he’d just gotten a taste?

_You know, Adam, long distance relationships are a real thing._

Blue wasn’t wrong. Maybe it was time to get out of his own head and listen to others for a change. Maybe it was time he threw caution to wind. Pain was inevitable, of this he was sure— but when it did eventually happen, it would be the product of something he and Ronan decided for themselves. He could live with that, with no regrets— and Adam was so, so tired of having regrets.

“Ronan,” he called.

“Hm?”

“Go out with me,” Adam blurted. His felt his face flush as soon as he said it, but he kept his eyes trained on Ronan.

Ronan blinked, his mouth parting slightly. “What?”

Adam bit the inside of his cheek. “Go out with me,” he repeated. He scooted closer and reached for Ronan’s hand, twining their fingers together. He felt a small burst of reassurance when Ronan’s thumb brushed the back of his hand. “I want to do this for real. No more fucking around.”

Ronan exhaled sharply. His voice shook lightly as he mumbled, “Well, I wouldn’t say we should _completely_ stop fucking around, though.”

Adam let out a small laugh. “You know what I meant, asshole.” His hand tightened around Ronan’s. “I’m serious. I’m all in, if you are.”

“I am,” Ronan said quietly. “Have been from the start.”

 _I know, I'm sorry, I love you_ — Adam wanted to say all of this and more, but he just leaned down to kiss him instead. Ronan’s lips were soft and warm against his, his hand coming up around Adam’s neck to pull him closer. The cap fell to the floor and Ronan ran his hands through Adam’s hair, his thumb massaging the skin just under his earlobe. A small, content sound lifted out of Adam’s throat as Ronan pushed him down on the mattress, hovering over him.

“I feel sorry for the poor fucker who’s gonna be your roommate,” Ronan smirked, lips trailing down Adam’s neck. “‘Cause I’m not holding out when I visit.”

“I’ll give them fair warning,” Adam hummed, and pulled him back up for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully this was semi-in character lol i edited this thing over and over until I felt it was right. yay 4 this monster being my first contribution to the pynch/trc fandom!! lmao
> 
> any feedback is appreciated ♡


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